Special facilities...I don't think so.

         Disabilities, we hear a lot about the disabled, and their needs in this modern world. Now, there are all sorts of facilities for the disabled, aren't there. Mmmmm, well there are supposed to be. Except, if you do have any kind of mobility issues, then there are never enough. Despite what it looks like to those not affected. As with many topical issues, when something gets rammed down your throat too often, many of us become inured to it. Too often I know, if you look around you, as a ordinary person, it seems you are always tripping over 'disabled 'this, or that. Parking spaces, special ramps, changing rooms, wheelchair facilities, in fact the whole equal opportunity thing. In a busy world, it can perhaps, seem like overkill. Of course, the less advantaged need all the daily help they can get. It's already difficult enough for them to have a normal life.

       Opportunities, right down to job opportunities. It was actually publicised in the papers today that more disabled people that ever before have found work. Well, not too sure who they are talking about there. Perhaps the people (they say) have been sitting on the disability benifit from the government, without true cause! Supposedly, now being told they can no longer continue being paid, and must therefor find employment. Because of recent government cutbacks in benefits, and new rules applied. I may be wrong, but I doubt they are talking of the bone fide wheelchair bound, or blind, or otherwise. I don't expect we shall know the full truth there.

         More important, I believe, is the lack of proper facilities, and the misuse of the same. For example: There is a new swimming pool, and spa in the area I live. With a pool (too small) and common changing rooms, unisex. All very open to serious misuse, in my view. Or, perhaps I am really out of touch with modern needs, and habits. Despite my thoughts on this, for the whole town facilities, there are several open showers, in view of the pool. Apart from those, two more, private showers are near the individual changing cubicles, and lockers. Only these two, are large enough for wheelchairs, only one has a fold down chair as needed. These are the only two suitable for the disabled to have room, or privacy. Or, offers any kind of stability during showering, and/or dressing. As neither cubicle has the disabled logo on the door, it's difficult for the disabled to get in to use either. 

       I have seen several incidents where either children, or perfectly fit young women, have taken up residence inside. Without fear, or worry what anyone else thinks. One such woman actually became very vocal with a disabled lady, who waited to go inside today. On being told it was for the disabled because of the chair, she aggressively told the woman 'are you the one been banging on this door to get in?' When she replied 'no', she said, 'well someone was. So I just thought sod it!, and stayed in here'. As the woman had only her towel, and others said she was in there some ten, fifteen minutes, I can only assume she sat on the chair, and relaxed there. Whilst others constantly needed to get in, and tried the door! What a slap in the face for those less able.

         Don't you think that's an amazing attitude? Why are such people so selfish, and uncaring. Do they not care at all about how the more disadvantaged manages. They can't, can they. She was, at the most thirty five, slim, and fit. As well as, I may say, being very vocal, and aggressive. She did everything except snap her teeth at people, just like the angry dog she imitated. As I said, more than once this week, what goes around, comes around. In other words, what she gives out, will come back to her. I don't ' ill wish' anyone, but I find, I do hope she finds out what it feels like to need help, and meet uncaring people, like herself, who just don't care! Karma, as they used to say.

          Of course, it's not an isolated incident, the very same day, and many times before, I have seen the young, and fit using the only ground floor toilet, for the disabled, whiles old, and disabled waited. They take the parking spaces too, but less often because those cars get fined. There is no one around to police the toilets, or changing rooms or the like. Is that what we need to do? Issue everyone with special needs a card to say so. Like the disability card for the car. To make life even more difficult for those people, than it already is. 

          Therefor, we have too few facilities available, but more importantly, the ordinary members of the public are ignoring who they are meant for. Too many fit, and healthy individuals use anything they choose, and think nothing of it.

            So, the next time you are out, if you notice anyone using something they have no right to use, please bring it to their, or someone else's attention. As the disabled person waiting, may be unable to stand up to them. May be at a loss to know how to cope with it. I know, I have seen it. If you see someone struggling, unable to manage, please help. Perhaps we need everyone to take a course on the proper behaviour. To be caring, and respectful of others, less lucky than they.

            Or, if, far worse, you are one of the people using what you like, ignoring any other considerations, then please stop! Be sensitive, be caring, and be careful because......

            KARMA......WILL GET YOU !

            

Social networking frustrations...oh joy

          Is it me, or is it something I did, or said. None of my social networking sites are doing what they are supposed to do. Locations are missing, sites in general acting crazy, not connecting. Or connecting incorrectly, and behaving in ways not seen by me, before. Have I been negative...? Or is something else going on.... Has the Internet become overloaded, is my connection breaking down, or something worse.....ahhh, actually I have done something out of character! Allowing myself to become disrupted.

        Perhaps that explains why everything has gone to hell in a hand basket. As it most certainly has, for the past few hours trying to get anywhere on line, was crazy tunes. It has taken every ounce of control I have to continue trying to work through these problems for the whole afternoon. How frustrating is waiting, trying, and failing for simple sites to operate as they should. The wit who said www. means..waiting, waiting, waiting... Is on the ball I think. Trying to make the sites revert to their correct behaviour patterns was futile.it started me thinking, trying to see the reason.

         It began last night, with an unexpected message popping into my email, informing me of a Facebook message. As I read, becoming really annoyed with that someone, a person I don't even know, and have no memory of meeting. Someone, a woman/girl/halfwit, Facebook friend, of another Facebook contact... only that remote. 

          You see, I am still annoyed by her inane, and unwarranted comments. All because of some face, she connected, out of the blue. Incidents? (she said) that were upsetting to her, nearly thirty years ago. How stupid is that, but as it concerned I, and my family, it caught my attention.  Perhaps she should have thought about her comments, before maligning me,  untruthfully, and publicly, directly, or indirectly. That direction, lies slander!

           I, should have stepped right back, and not reacted today. I should have remained aloof. I did however react to her, with firm remarks, objecting to her summation. 

          Yes, I know I should not today, have reacted at all, perhaps.... Except, I have never been good at 'turning the other cheek', I think one undeserved slap, is more than enough! Even though I know some people have no common sense, thinking its permissible to say what they want to the world. On Facebook, they are not having a private conversation, they are publishing it for all to see. The private facility, between two people was not utilised here, for this version of her truth.

           Unsurprisingly, I did not let it pass, I am only human, and she hit a sore spot I suppose. Back then, I was proud of what I did. Managing in a difficult, and demanding situation, taking great care to be reputable, for myself, and my career. I will not go into details, except her remarks, her opinion, published on Facebook, was slanted in such a way, as to make us appear in a bad light, as something I was NOT, as we were not!

            Now, I know that kind of thing, cannot be right, and I took great exception to it. I take great exception to it.  I informed her, not to further malign me, and to desist in dragging up such warped memories, with no substantiation.

              It just goes to show though, how upsetting yourself, and becoming embroiled in anything of this nature, is futile, and does you no good. It shatters your positive outlook, and takes you down to the level of such people. People, who seem to live only for such bits of drama, played out in public. Pure fantasy, scraped from anywhere, in order to somehow, make themselves more important. 

             It's something I don't need in my life, nasty disruptions of this kind. It does me, nor anyone, any favours. Building up my own positive situations, and making the most of my opportunities needs a single minded approach, avoiding such negative situations, of spite, or anger.

             Now, I need to still that little busy voice inside, the one I spoke of yesterday. I need to rebuild my positive picture, of what my life is. I will let go of anger, and step away, permanently. The comments, so unfair, and undeserved, took me by surprise. Now why should that be, why do I care about her, or about who might read it. I should not worry about it at all, I should not allow it to upset my equilibrium. Too late, it did upset me, as did the lack of any sort of reasonable reply to my objections.

           Facebook for personal, and family will be closed..deactivated. Because the joy I get from the nice contacts, the family news, do not make up for the troublemakers, and the insensitive. Those, who are allowed into my pages through loose associations with family or friends. Women, like this one, who I did not choose to be there. Those incidents, too regular on Facebook, are not wanted in my life.

               ..........................................................................................................................

            MY POSITIVE AFFIRMATION:

             My life is pleasant, my life is tranquil. All the people I have in my life are loving, and caring, of me, and my family. The social networking sites I belong to, are all positive, and uplifting. My friends, and family are supportive of me, and my well being. I have a full, and pleasant life, enjoying my family, friends, work, travel, pastimes, and relaxation.

             My life is perfect, and fulfilling in every way......

                ...........................................................................................................................

             So, my friends, if something, or someone in your life ruins your equilibrium, and your peace of mind. Or, if someone is unkind, and thoughtless, cut them from your thoughts, and your life. Do not worry, or fret about them, step back, and soon, you will see... What comes around, goes around. Except, it will no longer be involving you in its unpleasantness. For you have not chosen to be connected.

              Have a quiet mind, enjoy your life...

              you will then attract more love to yourself. If you are without the love you want, look carefully at yourself, and what you are giving out to others.

              Be happy....

         

           

The new year is nearly here! Yippee.

          Another year coming up... It's exciting isn't it. Perhaps I am easily pleased, or even a little unbalanced, but I love the thought of a new year. To me, the possibilities seem endless. Anything is possible, the world is my oyster, and all of that. Its like having a great big blank page, on which you, or I, can write anything we are able to imagine, anything at all

           Now, if you can only subscribe to the theory of creating your own reality, then it CAN all be yours. Creating your own reality says.... imagine it, feel it, believe it, and you WILL acheive it. In fact, it's already yours, why on earth not? Why should someone else have the riches, the good health, the family harmony, the travel. In fact, why should it not all be yours?

            Right now, this night, make a list of your ideal day, your ideal world, and of course your ideal NOW! Write down carefully, the perfect situation for you. Your idea of utopia if you will. Notice I did not say, your ideal future. That's because the future is ever fluid, ever changing. So much so, that it may never come, it may be so far in some mythical future, that it never, ever, comes. You just blankety, blank, never reach it. NEVER! What then, is the point of planning for that. You may as well write a story, some poetry, a letter, because it will be just passing time. Just amusing yourself.

            What you do plan for, is the now, the present...immediately. Don't even worry your head about how it can happen, or how immediate it can be. Because we all know me that things take time, that nothing happens immediately, right? WRONG. That's the bit we call reality, how things are, what we have learned of life. Except, we got it wrong, we have taken our own disbelief in our strength, and now say it's 'how it is'. Those are the things we have told ourselves, this is the way, over the course of millennia, we have twisted the truth. The natural truth of what we see, and experience around us.         

             REALITY, is what we call our inability to believe in the largesse of the universe. There is enough money out there in the world, for us all to have plenty. There are unlimited ways we can travel, or heal, or make a family. The world is full of everything we could ever need. All we have to do, is believe. Believe we can have it, or better still, admit we have got it already. If you like, you must suspend reality....take it out if the equasion. Begin building your world, without any thought or constraints you had before. Take that great, big, new, white page, and write on it, as if you can, as if you get to choose. The very good reason for that, is because you do!

              When you begin your list, use no negatives, only positives. Use no future times, only now. Admit no constraints at all, plan as if there are no limits around you, and your world. Remember the first step in this process, is to suspend reality. Dream big, but fool your reasoning mind into thinking it is not only possible, but probable. 

              Have you even meditated? If you have, you know you must first quiet your mind. Switch off your reasoning mind,  the constant chatter of that side of your brain that keeps trying to work out what to do next. What to get for tea, what to say at the meeting, what you can afford to do next, and all of that minutia that keeps taking you away from your quiet place... Your alpha space. It takes practice, because the little chatterbox who is used to running things in there, likes being in charge. Time, and time again, you would have had to quiet it again, and drag yourself back to 'alpha'. Well. It's a similar thing with programming, for 'your world' to appear.

              First, you must quiet that little 'know it all' inside, who likes to say, 'I can't have that', or 'how could that possibly happen?', or, 'that's impossible', or, 'I'm not that lucky'.

             Second, you must believe anything is possible. Even if you don't really, or find it difficult, keep saying, and repeating that you do. As well as what it is you believe. You are retraining your mind, your psyche....and your reality.

             Third, do not allow your, 'little chatter mind' to put limitations on what you want (you have) in your perfect world. It's better to aim high, say 105% and get part way there, 70%, than to aim low, at say 50%, and get part way there, 20%. Which is better? It's a no brainier isn't it. Always aim for the sky...

             Fourth, watch what you think, and what you say. Take care of what you put out into the Universe, what messages you are sending everyday. Are you saying, ' I never have enough money', or 'somehow, I always have enough!' Are you saying, 'I shall never be thin,', or, I am the perfect weight'. Ensure you reinforce all the things, and situations on your 'ideal world' list.

             Fifth, make that list NOW. Where do you live? Not where do you think it is possible for you to be able to live. If you had your 'truthers', where would it be? Beckingham Palace, Buckingham. Palace, or Chrystal Palace. (Or worse). Do the same for the car, you drive. The health you have, your appearance, your loved ones, your mate! Think about it, write I carefully, saying 'I have', not, I want, or I will have.

              Six, back up you list, with a wish book. Collect pictures of the ideal life. Collect, cut from magazines, or the Internet, the views of your new present life. Remember you have it now. Spend time on it, do it carefully. Do not stint, do not worry about what is possible, or being greedy, or how it could happen. Then read it every day, soak it into your brain, re educate your image of what, and where you are. This is your ideal world. Try to think of every aspect, hobbies, friends, family, partner, money, health, fame, travel, helping others, healing the world... if you want...you are the creator of your universe.

               Remember, anything is possible

             

             

              

The sales..

        People got up, and queued in the wet, and cold for the post Christmas sales today. I hasten to say, I was not amongst them. Oh, in the past I have gone to odd sale or two. Particularly when I lived in the West end of London, and I was much younger. With accompanying energy, or madness, I suppose. However, even then, I quickly came to the conclusion it was crazy. The people, kicking, pushing, and becoming feral, and even worse. The media talked of it then too, of the comaraderie, the good humour they saw, of people staying out in bad conditions. I saw nothing of that spirit, It got quite physical back then. Of course, it may not be the same today. Then, the women, for they were all women, were snatching at bits of this, and that, whatever they could see, from big tables. There were a few older men, standing on the sideIines, I remember. No doubt thinking very much as I did, but what do I really know. They may have been guards.

        At that time, and in that area, the worst were Arab looking, middle aged women. They used one hand to hold on their head covering, whilst snatching at stuff with the other. They were agile with their elbows too though.  I remember thinking to myself at the time, I bet these women are not short of a bob or two. For at that time, we had a big holiday population from the United emirates. They had the money from oil, and they came to London for a big spend up. Staying a few months, for the shops, and some culture, every year.

          In more recent times, I have seen the same type of large family groups in Australia, on the Gold Coast. If there are still groups going to London, I wouldn't know. In London, back then,  I don't know whether they sent their servants to get household stuff, or it was the lesser members of the family there. I don't know, but they were determined to get the bargains. I say that because I am unable to believe the rich ladies, the wives, would do such an activity. Would do anything other than hold themselves aloof. Also, why would they need to?

         I still remember it vividly, it was an unpleasant experience. I don't remember leaving the scrum, but I do remember standing on the sidelines, clutching a couple of bits of crockery, and watching the madness. Thinking to myself, was I really in the middle of all of that? With those crazies, in the rugby scrum. I paused there, watching for a while. I probably left the shop, and got into the street shortly after. With my bargains, or without, I can't remember. It was a sale in the basement of a large store, Harrods, or Barkers or some such. Mostly household, china, and the like. I can't imagine what I wanted, or why, but I bought nothing much that day. I tended to try a few big sales for a couple of years, I always admired fine china, good sheets. Later, I went to the sales in the clothes shops. Although I never, ever got up early, waiting in line for the shops to open at six. I looked at the photos in the papers, or on tv, of the coats for a pound, or tv's for next to nothing. I though, preferred to go through the shops later, and take my time. it was still crazy busy, and the big bargains were gone, but that was fine by me. There were always plenty of bargains left.

          I don't know if everyone likes a bargain, or if it's just some of us. If there is a breed of bargain hunters out there. There could be, because it has little to do with how flush with money I am. I know I, like nothing better than to find a bargain. It feels a  real victory to me. To do this, I have found it necessary to be an impulse buyer. It is futile to go out on a particular day, and say 'I'm looking for a coat', or 'a new pair of shoes'. For me, it just doesn't happen. I become more, and more depressed, as I become tired. Everything is too big, too small, too bright, or poor material, whatever. Many times, I have gone to find something, or been persuaded to, only to have to give up. It NEVER works, never.

          Today, again, there they were, in their queues, ready for the fray. I couldn't help but wonder, are they also impulse buyers? Are they looking all the time, everywhere, as I do. Do they halt, suddenly, at a shop window, when they see a sale sign, and an attractive shape. Or, do they save it all for the big, real sales with the early starts, like today. No interviewer ever asks that question do they.

            There were still some good bargains when I went out later. I could have bought lots of beautiful stuff. However, even if buying in a sale, the money spent, soon adds up. You have to have disposable income to be able to go shopping, even if only to the sales. Whilst I, in common with many people right now, with the enconomy biting harder than ever, have none. So, I looked a little, in passing, felt a couple of fabrics, but bought nothing. Rather disappointing , I thought.

            There are those, who take out Christmas loans to tide themselves over this expensive period! There are others, who ask for cash as presents, a wise idea. So that they are able to shop in the sales now. Personally,  I know, if I were those borrowers, I would far rather go without all year, than get myself  in debt. There are finding bargains, then there is digging yourself into a hole for the year, or longer.

           So, to all those youngsters out there, who want the latest 'stuff', I say....think!  Decide what sort of shopper you want to be. Save every penny you can, so that when you see a must have bargain, you too can impulse buy. Or, at least not end up in debt.

           In addition, you will not have to risk hypothermia queuing outside, in the elements, for the sales either!

          Happy hunting......

It's come, and gone...in the blink of an eye

             So much effort, expense, and planning, for what is basically a gift, and a meal. It's not even like the shops  are closed for more than one day. Is that what the panic is about? The shops being closed perhaps? In this period when we feel we should have constant access to new food stocks. Is that due to all the advertising, suggesting we could have this, or that, if we choose. I have a fear it might be..or else what is it all about. Why all this rushing about, and stocking up of food, of entertaining those we love. As if it were the last chance to do it..ever.

              I saw little evidence of anything religious today. Perhaps it was where I was, who I spent time with. All we saw were films, and tv shows. Now home again, I feel a little as if I was in a time warp. Not that it was bad, because it wasn't. It was a hell of a lot of effort for the family I was with too. They worked so hard to make it perfect for us all. Including a whole day of shopping for them yesterday, to get things at the right price. The food, the gifts, and then there was the extra food, and gifts we bought with us. Crazy...the whole thing is crazy.

               Every year, about this time,  I become dissulutioned with the whole thing. Every year, I say 'not next year, I'm not doing it next year'. Then, when it gets close, I think, how can I not. How can I not buy my loved ones a present, or get some special food to feed whoever we entertain. They will think  I don't care. But, I must back out of all this craziness. Not that it will be understood. Even if I can bring myself to do it. I don't want to hurt anyone. Pressure, we are all being pressured into it. By tradition, by habit, by expectations.

               I know the children get excited, I know many of the grownups are almost as excited, in my family anyway. They will think I am just getting old, and miserable, or mean, and hard. Yet I'm not. I simply hate this ritual. Like an ingrown toenail. We cannot cure it immediately, I know. But it's bloody annoying, surely, we must do something. So, I'm poking, and prodding, and trying not to make it worse, but can I cure it. Do I have the technology ? Ha ha. Maybe not.

              I did have a wonderful time seeing my family, spending the day with them. I did appreciate all the effort, and the expense undertaken. Can't we just scale it down somehow, get off the treadmill.

I can't help but feel we are all being coerced into it.

              OK, my smart readers out there...what's the answer?

              Let me have your thoughts, you ideas, and your opinion.

              It's the end of Christmas day.....

              How can we change next year, and should we?

              Or, is it only me.......

Getting through the night

         As a regular insomniac, I suppose sleeplessness as a subject, will keep raising its head with me. It's such a, I don't know, annoying part of my life. Last night, after several bad nights this week, I think I must have slept a good six hours, a good span for me. Waking some time ago, in the pitch black, and not knowing the time. I crept, carefully to the toilet, not wanting to wake others in the house, along the long corridor, past their rooms. After so many years of insomnia,  I find I am excellent at creeping about in the dark. I can do most things without having to resort to putting on a light. Determining to sleep again, I soon slid just as quietly, back into bed. Only to lie there for an interminable time. Was it an hour, or was it hours? I don't know, only that the longer I am awake, the colder, and hungrier I become. 

          Now, I won't eat in the middle of the night, for one, my strange digestion would not allow it, or at least react. Two, it's a bad habit to get into too. I have a son, who is a keep fit fanatic. Awake, he watches his diet, and exercise programme closely.  Except, on a regular basis, he finds himself half awake, in the middle of the night, helping himself to whatever he can find in the fridge. Eating the wrong foods, and the wrong quantities. He laughs about it, but I know it bugs him, as it should. Undoing his perfect plan for himself, and his health. I have set my self some rules, to avoid just that situation. Normally, I am good at sticking to it. Eventually though, tonight, this morning, or whatever it is, I had to get up. I had to give in. Putting on a thick dressing gown, I head to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, and take a pain killer (everything aches if I lie awake for long). I also get my heat pad, amongst other things, to help me get warm again.

           I don't think I would survive long in any situation where hypothermia is a risk. As all too soon, the shivers are running through my body, and I know my core temperature is dropping too far, or too fast. It's rather pathetic I know, but that's how I am. I know, don't laugh, all of this extreme reaction to being awake for a while. Despite the fact, I am wearing night clothes, and am covered by a mound of quilts, and blankets. Safe, and dry inside a sturdy house, well protected from the, still roaring wind outside. Well, of course, you expect lots of wind, and rain on the coast, but this is extreme.

           It makes you wonder though, if I am having such problems inside, how the homeless survive on such nights. Can a sheltered corner, with a strip of cardboard under them, really stop the cold from wreaking a high price on their bodies. They have no kettle to make a hot drink, no microwave to heat a hot pad for their hips, as I have. They have little, or no comforts outside, do they. How on earth do they survive, sleeping outside in the UK, at this time of the year? It must be miserable in the extreme. Their nights must be really interminable. No one should have to live like that. 

            I often have a moan, and a complain about the difficulties of my life, but it's really nothing compared to such situations. Whether they choose to take to the streets, or have been forced into it, it's a miserable way to live. I resolve to give to the Salvation Army Christmas appeal, first thing in the morning. At least, if the advertisements are to be believed, they will give some of the homeless, a hot meal, and a bed for the night, should they accept. People like me, take the easy way out, I realise. By merely giving donations,( which I do regularly,) we leave the hard work to others. The actual dealing with the down, and outs, the disreputable. I take my hat off to them, as how many of us could stand to do the same.

            So, back in my really, quite comfortable little home, and the continuing quest of getting warm, and comfortable again. With lights on his time, I make my tea, and raid the jar of mixed nuts, and raisins. Bemoaning the fact, they are too handy, these belong to my son, as does the digestive biscuit I snaffle next. Normally, I don't keep them in the house, but as he is staying here over Christmas, and snacks he, maintains, are what he needs. What a weak willed woman I am I think, eating them just because they are here. Silently, I am delighted to be munching on the large crisp biscuit. Back in bed, drinking tea by the light of my iPad, I begin to warm up again, at last. Noticing also, that it's nearly six o clock. Oh boy, I almost made it through a whole night. Except, I don't know how long I lay awake earlier. It must have been at least an hour, or two.

            OK, I've drunk my tea, body warm, and relaxed again, this blog written, I am getting sleepy. I am going to sleep a little more, just sneak another hour at least.

           Lucky me. I really am fortunate to be so warm, and comfortable. 

           Here's wishing you all the same...

Christmas comes but once a year... Thank goodness!

              Christmas is here again, 'and so...this is Christmas..'.as Noddy Holder says in the famous song for the season. In many ways, that song sums up the major feelings for the season for me. I am ok with it, just had too many now, and with no small children around me, it's bordering on the 'Bah humbug' as quoted the character in Charles Dickens. It's the time of year for children, they still feel the excitement, and look forward to it, in a way which, is beyond me. Oh, I like the family to get together, I know it's good for renewing family ties. I also realise, that once I am gone, they are likely to fall apart as a unit. Something I find quite sad, except every year its like a military operation. Trying to organise a time when they can come together, at the same time, and to suit everyone. It's not an easy task, I tell you, because it's not just down to my efforts, but to theirs too. In retrospect, always worth it though.

               The matriarch of every family tends to hold the immediate family together like that. I saw it with my grandmother, how everyone gravitated to her place in a lively, bustling family crowd. Yet, once she was ill, then gone, that was the end of that. The Daughter-in-laws in particular complained about it on a regular basis. All wanting to play their own matriarchical roles, I suppose. The wonderful thing is, it's given me, and whoever else were children at the time, some wonderful memories, as it did to other children through the ages I am sure. These family Christmases went on for a fair few years with my Mother. Although, when my dad died, I realised it was more him, than her, who held us together, who wanted, and instigated the gatherings. Oh later on, she would have let us use the house, but do the organisation, the whole thing. She, happily, I think, was the passive one in the family celebrations, and still is. My brother, the one near her location wise, and with the small family, gradually took over, especially once I returned to live in the same country as my own children. My brother, and his wife doing the family occasions was not necessary when my Dad was alive, because he chivvied Mother along, set the programme. Something, she may have hated of course, it's just that we didn't realise it at the time. We thought she loved it, as much as we did.

                  I am not talking of the religious significance of Christmas here. Only of the social aspects I suppose. Although, if you think of it in terms of the Father, doing his best to make a family of us, to hold us all together, I guess it works the same. God, Jesus, and the directives of the ten commandments, the concept of the ' tho shalt nots' offers a framework by which to live. Except, perhaps it fails in the fact that it's negative programming. The carrot, and the stick method, with too much stick, and not enough carrot. If caring for a child, teaching it right from wrong, would you baldly give it a whole list of rules, of things it must, and must not do. I don't know, I am no theologian, but I don't think I would. Worship, the church service, at the regular day, and time, gives us some common ground on which to come together though. I know when I was a teacher, I found that those ten, or twenty minutes sitting quietly, and talking to God, Perhaps singing together, helped make us a unit. Helped coalesse each class to its teacher, and each other, and each class, to the school. It gave us unity. Exactly what we hope for as a family.

               As for a type of World unity, it's more difficult still. Perhaps if we were all the same denomination, or did inter denominational worship, it might work better.  Except all that's happening at present, is hate for other churches, other ways. OK, I know its the fanatical few, and their mistaken interpretations of their holy book.  It endures, sadly, it follows somehow, through the various countries, and the various faiths. Flaring into hatred, and killing, causing deeper rifts, instead of unity, and peace. I don't know how it can be changed, it has gone on for so long. Personally, I think sometimes, we would be better off without the churches, the institution.    

               Churches have always gravitated towards riches, and power. Corrupt men, gravitate to powerful situations, gathering wealth, and power to themselves, by whatever means. Be it religion, the law, or politics, it was ever thus. All we, the small man can do, is look to our own garden. To ourselves, and our family, and how we care for, and treat each other. To that end, the socialising, and sharing of family ties at Christmas shows our concern for each other, giving us the chance to show our love, to nurture our family. Perhaps baby steps is the way, one step at a time. Even the gift giving, so out of control in many ways, if kept simple, can be an expression of love, and care.

                 It's  still complicated sometimes though. As even within a family someone must be in charge, even if only through the respect, and love of the rest. Someone must instigate a coming together, think of their comfort, a meal, relaxation. Trying to create a loving, and secure environment for their loved ones, on that special day. Personalities still get in the way, as does the give, and take necessary for everyone to agree on a time, and date, and keep that appointment. 

                 Many of us, will not manage to get through that period without some family drama. It can be difficult spending longer times than usual, cooped up together. Statistics show it's a time of break ups, fights, and anger too. It's all about getting the right balance isn't it.  Again, it may take a diplomat to smooth the way between you all on that stay, but let's hope not. Perhaps, that's why it becomes difficult when the head of the family is gone, perhaps they were also the voice of reason. Or, simply someone you did not want to upset by squabbling with each other.  Keeping any disagreeable undercurrents in check, and concentrating on love, and care instead.

               It is funny, strange, thinking of the past, how you thought you knew your family, especially in situations like that. It's only now, looking back, and trying to work out the power struggles, and the relationship dynamics, you begin to see the truth of it. It has to be in the light of what you know now, only then does the past begin to make sense. Let us, though, think more of the present, and the future for that is what is important. In the meantime, Christmas, for this year, is upon us again.

                 For my own immediate family, my children, and theirs, we are quite spread about. This makes it difficult to spent any significant time together. Still, we, a Mother, and her children, and some of theirs, will get the best part of a day, the afternoon, and part evening at least. A time to renew ties, to strengthen relationships, and to enjoy each other's company. It's a short time, but for my children, it will be the first year together, for several years. It is likely to be the last, for several more too. Due to work, and family pressures flinging them about even further.

                 For that reason, and because I love them with all my heart, I will do everything in my power to ensure the day is spent well. Also, that the memories we make on that day will carry us through, until we all meet together again.

                 Love, and light to you all this Christmas, and throughout the coming year.

                 May your God be with you....

Films, photos, and stuff

             Being a reasonably old geezer....can a female be a geezer, ha ha. Of course she can, today you can call yourself anything you want. It's all equality of opportunity, avoiding feminism, whatever. Political correctness gone mad, and upside down. I am often called a guy, so why not a geezer. Anyway, I have seen more than a few changes, some remarkable changes over the years. I think we all have, especially in the world of films, and photographs. Today, it is possible to take photographs on so many gadgets, none of which, were even thought about a relatively short time ago. The surge in hand held digital equipment is amazing.

               Sometimes, when watching an early James Bond, or other spy, or action movie, you see a shot of the first mobile phone, the brick, or something that came in the following years, and you cannot help but notice the difference. How those great big, clunky (technical term)  phones have reduced in size. Today, you have palm held phones, slim, and shiny. Small enough to slip in your top pocket, or into your purse. There are ordinary desk top computors, laptops, iPads, iPad mini, iPad air, tablets, and it won't stop there. Technology, is on a roll. Each new design becoming smaller, neater, easier to use, and more sophisticated in its range of abilities. Each one takes snapshots, each one has some ability to edit, and send on around to next door, or around the world. Everything is instant, everything is simple, and available.

                With the onset of digital photos, you no longer have to load film, or have it developed. I know that some professionals, and purists still do, but most of us, don't. I don't know, and can't say how well we shall retain these photographic records we are all so busy taking. I am sure that many will be lost when various electronics break down, or become discarded. I fear few of us, are as good at backing up these records, or taking copies. We print so few now, and those in electronic memories, are so easily lost, or corrupted. Once they are gone, they are gone for ever. I know that currently, I have some almost three thousand images on my iPad, at least the same on my laptop, and a digital camera holds the same again. Now, that's a lot of images, a great many irreplaceable family records. Nevertheless, we love them, don't we. A few get posted by email, a few on Facebook, or other social media, and the rest just stored.

                Being of an artistic bent, I like to edit, and to play around with images a little. Although. I do get frustrated at how little some programmes allow you to do. The other thing is, programmes, and apps, are constantly getting updating, with each step changing the way things are done. Most of them setting up more restrictions against what you can, or can't do. I find it totally frustrating, but then, I was born before the computer age really took off. I don't like being told how, or what I am allowed to do, Ifrefer to know the reasoning behind it.

             Of course, editing photos, brings us neatly on to modern films. Having just watched The Hobbit, with all of it's technological wizardry, it can only be admired, and wondered at...where do we go from here? There you see, the illusions of a race of dwarfs walking through fantastical inner, and outer mountain beauty, and pure fantasy. Whole towns, and villages, clinging on to mountain tops. These either in scale down mock ups, or completely computor generated. Strange beast, snarl, fight, and race. Carrying even stranger beasts on their backs. Even a massive dragon, writhes, and slides, belching fire, and flying. As for Harry Potter, moving staircases, owl mail deliveries, and the like, well, it seems anything is possible...anything! 

              Despite all of this, I am still writing, as are more, and more people. Reading, and our own imagination can still supply every strange beast, and situation being described to us, in prose. As well as, or better than, depicted in these flash new films. Likenesses, of every description are still painted, and drawn by artists. It's that, in addition we have all of this modern technology running alongside the more prosaic, and conventional types of artistic expression. Of course, everything described, is a marvelous opportunity for the new type of artistic talent. I for one, find it exciting, and stimulating.

             Roll on, I say, bring it on. I have seen so many inventions, and changes, the next ten, or

twenty, or more years, can only be even more interesting.

             The only potential problem I can envisage, is affording the technology as it comes to the market.  A well as keeping up to date with how to use everything.

             'Bon Voyage' everyone, on this voyage of discovery.... and 'bonne' chance'. We may need it.

Do you feel the cold? I am INFUSED with it...

        Now I'm back in the Northern hemisphere, I realise anew, no matter how hard I try, I hate the cold. I have tried really hard to be objective, to ignore the temperature, the damp, the wet, the biting wind, and the dark days. For goodness sakes, how much daylight do we actually get here? I reckon, most days, its less than four hours. How's that going to work for those susceptible to SAD, the lack of sun in their lives. Not good I fear, not good at all. Will I soon, or am I already surrounded by morose people who don't want to communicate, or smile. 

       You know, I do try to get on with it and not complain. It's really not extreme, this winter temperature. I should be able to cope, and be glad it's not colder, not harsher,  because it could be. Inf act, in the next few mipoths, it's almost certainly going to be. Every day, when the pale light filters through the windows, I wonder how I got here. In the land of the everlasting dark, or rather....gloom. Some days, the curtains are open for a brief period only. There seems little point, as so little light comes in, you still need the light on. In the middle off the day....go figure that, if you can.

         I fantasize about the sun, that scorching ball I used to see overhead nearly every day. I try not to think how long it will be before I feel its heat again. Before I luxuriate in the warmth, as it gently bronzes my limbs, giving me that healthy glow I love. Ahhh! What can I say, what can I do.... Very little I am afraid. So, on goes the thick coat, or the suede one, which keeps out the wind chill. At least the bits that aren't already to doing their best to flap open, and suffer me frozen.

          Today, the wind is fierce. Its predicted to blow up now, to reach gale force, and stay until after Christmas. Lovely, I can think of nothing better. As I leave the shelter of the car, only a few hundred yards to go. Before I am at the door, over the threshold, and safe from the wind. But what's this, I'm not getting anywhere, the wind is so wild, it like a strange landscape. It tosses any bits of rubbish it can see, it howls around the buildings, and shakes the parked cars like a angry dog. I make every effort to move forward, leg muscles straining, and hair whipped straight out behind me.

           Unable to breathe, I continue forward. The wind direction at first against me, and then behind me. As it gusts, and buffets me, as hard as it did the cars. A hand catches my arm, a strong arm around my back, helping me move at all. Two togther, we persevere, until the doors are in sight. As we round the corner, the wind smacks us from every angle, but with a final blast against our chests, we fall into the door, and move through. Thank goodness my son was there.

           Inside the building, out of the might of the storm at last, all I can do, is wheeze for breath. Unable to force enough oxygen into my lungs, to be able to stand upright. Oh dear, if on my own, I might still be blowing around outside. Just another stray bit of flotsam, at the mercy of the tempest. My lungs heaving, gradually. I find enough air to move forward. Oh dear, oh dear, surely this is not going to be another year like last year. When the weather was so fierce, that I gradually became housebound.

           For now, breathing again,  I make my way to the lift, and a rest upstairs. Seems like I will have to work harder still at getting fit. A few months in a gentler climate, and already I had forgotten how wild it can be here. How unpredictable is the northern Hemisphere. How hard being anything less than a 100% fit can be. It's only December, and after Christmas comes the really severe weather. 

           Wish me luck, seems like I will need it. Nothing much I can do, except take it one day at a time.

           Let's wish for some speedy global warming, where ever that might be.... There has been little sign of it here yet.

            

           

Excercise or die..or at least, become fossilised

         That's rather a melodramatic title isn't it. The thing is, it has a basis in truth. I spoke earlier in the week about how I have watched older people, over the last ten, or twenty years, or longer. Watched them choose, to a great extent, how they age. Too many take the easy option, and stop doing anything special to look after themselves. In effect, they stop moving, they do not exert themselves at all. They retire their bodies shortly after they retire from regular work. Well I can understand that, its the time of your life when you are supposed to take things easy. It's understandable then, that most do just that. Or, perhaps 'did' just that. It's because, I believe we cannot afford to do that anymore. We cannot sit down, and wait to die. To be fair, many people do not want to do that either.

           OK, let's be honest, that is how it used to be! No question. You younger people will not remember how it used to be. Not so long ago, people from thirty five, or forty years of age, were considered, and called 'middle aged'. If you did that today, you would be laughed at, and justifiable so. I remember in my family, at the first sign of thinning hair, or before, the comfortable cardigan came out for the men. The aprons, and the easy care, easy fit clothes for the women, and the middle aged spread, well, began to spread around the middle. Until it became more of a late pregnancy look, say the  seven, or eight months, with a big belly straining at the shirt. These, of course were the men.

          Many people died in their sixties, and early, to mid seventies was thought a respectable age to reach. This means most people had a five, to seven year retirement life. That's why, now people are living so much longer, that governments, worldwide, are panicking. Pay the retired population a government pension for twenty, or thirty years? No, no, they say, retire later, or possibly no pension at all, and on, and on. As if it's all a great big plot, perpetrated by the people, against the government. No way, are they going to swallow that, or, to be fair, can they afford to do so. The reasons I believe people are living longer, is better diet, better health care, and also more full, and active lives in better living conditions. Expectations have changed, for the better I think. With perhaps, the fact that jobs have changed too. Perhaps not being as many high energy labouring jobs anymore. The miners, the navvies, and the like. Few of those overworked, and overcrowded communities struggling for survival as they once did.

          As for keeping fit, as I said the other day, the heavier you become, the more you feel like taking it easy. As in the past, in the nineteen forties, fifties or the sixties. Often, before forty, and certainly before fifty, the tobacco pipe was clamped between Fathers teeth, or Grandfathers, and the favourite chair booked for long nights in front of the tv. Where, once relaxed, they would probably drop off to sleep. Enjoying that wonderful new, home entertainment. If you were a drinker, you may have had a walk down to the pub, that energy expenditure soon rebalanced by several pints of beer, taken in a relaxed atmosphere with your mates. In the UK, some blokes would have played a regular game of football, or cricket at the weekend. Soon to be abandoned, before 'middle age'. Making way for the young ones who had the energy to run around. Mother, or the woman of the house, would be getting heavier too. With a good padding all around her body, her hair over permed, and too short maybe. Certainly with little intention, or thought of remaining young, and attractive in appearance. What for, she had her family, her husband, and was settled. Leave that to the young ones.

          What happened next, was it the spread of tv? Was it the popularity of star studded magazines. Was it because suddenly we had this picture of people looking, and acting young, not relaxing into old age. I won't go into whether it has gone too far, with many becoming obsessed with their looks. This is about looking after yourself.

         I think it's good that retirement age people are now looking at it, as another opportunity. One they may not have had before. Suddenly they have the time, and now the energy to play. To take up new hobbies, to spend more time together, to go hiking, cycling, or skiing. Those people are ok, they are doing something to keep fit, to keep active. So many more, are tired, they have done their life's work, sometimes at jobs they don't particualrly enjoy. They have worked for fifty years, under a strict regime to keep the money flowing, to support the family. Now they want to holiday, to relax, read, and yes, maybe watch tv.

          I think we all eat too much. Perhaps a lot of the worst things too, high fat, high sugar. Those old chestnuts we keep being told are bad for us. Even if we are not hungry, the ads are all a round us. Have a hamburger, and chips, some fried chicken. Or, how about some tasty fish, and chips, or fizzy drinks, sweets, and biscuits...so many goodies, that are bad. We have cars, good bus, and train services, it's all so easy. Even the children do not ride bikes to school, or walk, it's not safe, or everyone takes their children in the car anyway.

           All I can say is, it's never too late to get fit. Heaven knows we have the opportunity now. There are more gyms springing up that ever before. You can swim, work out alone, or in  a group. Or can spend nothing,  and walk more, or do excercise to a tape, or tv in the house. You can get a bike, even an excercise machine for inside your house. It does not matter, except do it regularly. Three times a week, at least. For forty five minutes, it's not too long once you get into it.

          I am not trying to preach to anyone, I as much as any, was a couch potato. It's like a light has gone off in my brain, and I now know I have to keep fit, or fossilize. I am going to live a long time, in likelyhood, we all are. Unless we have some really bad luck, but you can't worry about that, can you. So, it comes down to, how do you want to live the next part of your life? I suggest you get fit before you retire. Set some positive habits in place which, will keep you going after you retire too.

            If you can't swim, take a class. The same for skiing, roller blading, horse riding, running, boxing, or even martial arts. Have a go at several things. See what you enjoy, and enjoy the buzz you get, when you work out as hard as you can for half an hour, forty five minutes. You will begin to feel alive again, instead of halfway comatose, as many of us allow ourselves to get.

             Excercise I good for your figure, for your health, for your head, and yes, even for depression. Make some resolutions now, and by the New Years, they will be habits. I guarantee you will feel a million dollars, and will not be sitting in some chair, unable to move a few years down the track. Watching as your neighbour, the same age as you, going out with her friends walking, or still driving to the beach, or having her family around for a meal, and a laugh. Don't be a miserable old thing, resentful of the younger, and fitter.

               So.....don't allow lethegy to decide how your next years will be, or how healthy you are, once retired. You decide, get moving, keep moving, and people will be happy to have you around them. Because, you will be lighthearted, with a positive outlook and a zest for life you have built for yourself.

             Enjoy life...enjoy moving, as you also enjoy the best life has to offer.

A bad day...a failure?

          Today, after a bad night, health wise I just have not felt up to getting around to writing a new blog. A disappointment to me, as I like to keep on track. To do what I have undertaken to do.

          Perhaps this blog should be about living with M.E. (Exhaustion Syndrome). Except that would be boring to me, and probably boring to you too. Who wants to hear about someone's aches, and pains. There are so many more interesting things going on around us. The world is such an interesting place.

           Today though, after the second night this week of a 'food poisoning'  attack which hit me again last night. It shakes me up, shivering through my system, and exhausting me. I had a couple of hours sleep this morning, but little else overnight. Today, has been rather hard work, and a bit of a blur. Now, at only seven o clock, I am tired, ready to get to bed, and have some extra sleep to make up for last night.

          I cannot begin to make sense of anything...

          Please forgive me, and be assured that I will make it happen tomorrow.

          Rest well, and be happy folks

          Off to bed now

Get moving....but how, and where?

        A double whammy here folks, I'm still talking about moving home, but also about moving my butt. One affects the other, or seems to, to me. You know, if I move too far away, how do I get to the pool as often as I usually do. Additionally, maybe the walks around the area will be more difficult. Even if only by being less safe. As in the other people around, if the area is not so good. Also in the width or absence of pavements (sidewalks to my USA, & Canadian readers ) as I am not so good at balancing on the edge of the road. Dodgy....

       I need to do both these things, to keep the cardio vascular workouts going, and to move from this place which no longer does the job. Its all part of my desperate push to keep fitter than last year. Last year, when I became virtually house bound. It was so cold, and with being unfit, as well as generally not well, ( I have M.E.) I could not cope. Every time I tried to venture outside, my lungs were a problem. If an asthma type attack, did not get me whilst walking through biting cold winds. It got me, on coming back into the warm again. Yes, that's a highly dangerous thing to do without thinking. Coming into a warmer temperature, just closes up the lungs. I'm no doctor, I don't know why, but it's true alright. I had several quite scary attacks before I realized why. I don't remember ever experiencing it quite like that before, perhaps it was the severity of the winter. In addition, do you know how difficult it is trying to delay your entrance, by acclimatising at each stage of stepping into your home. Sometimes, it worked a little, other times, not at all. Usually, it was simpler not to go out, waiting for a better temperatures, which did not come. Except, by the end of the winter, a very long one, I was stuffed. So unfit, like a drooping hothouse flower, about to curl up, and give in.

       Then, having to go stay with my Mother this year, away in NZ. When there, seeing how her ability to walk had deteriorated, gave me a jolt. Because I had seen the decisions she took over the years, the advice she ignored, which led to this inability. The old adage of 'use it, or lose it' is so true. Instead of making an effort to keep fit, or get fitter, she sat down. She stopped, doing the garden, going to the shops, or even walking to the mailbox. Now, she can't do any of it, no matter how she would like to. Which, she finds frustrating, and boring,  I'm sure. Or perhaps I am talking about how I would feel. She takes a lot of looking after, and that's not fair to your family either. I don't want to be a burden to my children. I don't want to be like that, I want to remain fit, and active. Even if it means I must work harder at it, than when I was younger. The effort will be worth it, eventually. Especially during the years when I can still go for a stroll with my children, or grandchildren. Instead of waiting for family to do things for me.

          That then, is why it's important to keep moving. As important, to make sure my new home is in the best place for me to continue my present regime, or improve it. Without it becoming more difficult, due to location, or surrounding amenities. I want somewhere big enough for visitors too. An extra bedroom, a place big enough for a dining table, to entertain, and some outside space for the warm weather. None of which I have at present. Of course the rental climate is great, but for landlords, and not for tenants. I won't be renting for ever, but I want it to be pleasant, until such time as I get my own place. I took the small, place I am in now, primarily because it was the right price. Thinking it didn't matter for a short time. But how long is a peace of string, I am still there. Except now, I dislike most of it intensely. As I have said before, it's like trying to live in a shoe box, with the shoes still in.

          I realise I have to up the budget, which I don't want to do, but it's a straight choice. Either I put up with what I have, and hate, or I front up, and somehow pay for it. Even if I have to cut back elsewhere. I think I have decided, but am so far, unable to find anything suitable. At least not without paying far, faaaar, more than I can afford. It's no good driving yourself mad, by putting yourself in a financial hole. So, it's all a balancing act. A compromise, if you will.

        In exactly the same way it is, when I sluggishly rise from bed, and have to make myself head for the pool. Afterwards, wet, and satisfied, I know I did right, and it had to be done. Now, I need to be able to decide on the right place, which does not seem to be there yet. Unfortunately, patience is not my strong point. I just hope, when it comes to it, I can make myself do it, and come out the other side ok.

         So.... I keep looking, hoping something comes up soon, the right something.

         Between then, and now, to keep fit, and get fitter. Never, whatever I do, give up on either of my 'moving'  solutions, to sorting out my life. Everything is achievable, just don't give up....

          Never give up......

          The darkest part of the night, is just before the dawn.....

Show em love

          Peter O 'Toole died yesterday, and OK, he had a good long life, and regular success in his chosen career. He had a magic, and eyes that promised... With his passing, what struck me, were the comments. When the news of his death broke. It said on the news, 'the outpouring of love for Peter O 'Toole has been amazing'. Which, is wonderful, except I could not help but think...I wonder if he knew anything of how, so many people felt. Or, did he think he was forgotten by most people? I don't suppose I shall ever know, but it begs another question. How could we find a way to show public figures, or our own family, how much we love them? Is the fact of their dying the only time we show such outpourings of love, and respect.

         In my own little way, I made the the decision a long time ago, when my brother died. That I would always tell those close to me, how much I thought of them. I adored him, but we had spent long years apart, in different countries, and 'family like', we just got on with it. My family now, are used to hearing 'I love you', and I get it back from most of them. I also try to tell them when I am proud of them! and how well they have done.

         I believe in positive affirmations, in giving someone some confidence. Especially if they are young, and still growing as a person. Although we only stop growing, when we leave this Earth, and no doubt not then. As for expressing my feelings, the more you do it, the more you say it, the easier it becomes. That shyness, or ambarassemnt that holds back many from saying nice, or loving things, wears away. Therefore, whether they appreciate it or not, I will continue to do it. As I can't think of anything worse then someone  I love dying, and not knowing they were loved, or how much. Of course, you might say, of course they know, I do this, or that for them, or as I heard one husband say, 'we'll, I'm still here aren't I!'

           I still don't think it's the same, some things need to be articulated. Susan Boyle, that fantastic singer, and also sometimes inept character, is a case in point. She has 'Aspergers', and it would have confused, and embarrassed her often when growing up, and still does. There was a programs last week sometime, where they showed not only her prodigious talent, but her struggles being a public persona. At the end, they interviewed her brother, or one of her brothers. Not terribly articulate himself, he said something like " I think she is wonderful, marvellous", and with an embarrassed grin, added, "but I would never tell her that". It really gave me pause for thought. Why not? Perhaps because it might be embarrassing for him, and no doubt for her too. But it needs to be expressed. Doesn't it?

          My thoughts are still the same, if you have loved ones, tell them so. If someone near to you is doing their best, trying hard, or working well, tell them! Say what it is you admire, even if it causes some cringing with either one of you.Don't waste the opportunity, and wish later, when it's too late, that you had told them you loved them. Build their confidence, their security. Whilst at the same time, accustomed yourself to speaking love, as well a s feeling it.

           Love makes the world go around. My favourite saying, again...make love, not war. It's an oldie, but a goodie.

           It's Christmas, let's go for the feel good feelings

           Let's spread love, and goodwill. When you can, 'pay it on'. Keep it moving, and growing. When I was little, I was told, 'if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything'. I take that further, find something in what you see before you, that you can say something positive about.

           Love, and peace to you all

Health, hope, and well being

       After a day with too many things to do, and not enough good health, or energy to get them done you realize anew. How important it is to keep in good health. If you don't have your health you don't have anything, because how you feel, effects everything. For the past few months, remembering how ill I was last winter, I was determined to be a lot fitter this year. To that end, I had begun yet another eating plan, you're not supposed to call the, diets anymore, are you. The thinking behind it was, if I could lose a bit of weight, then I can get about a bit easier, and have more energy to move even more. A clever scheme to get fitter, I thought.

        Now I know everyone who carries too much blubber, says the same thing. 'I don't eat much', but I really don't. Anyone who is around me for any length of time will tell you so. (Honest Injun) This means, it's not as if I can suddenly stop eating five hamburgers at a sitting, or three big meals a day, or even pints of fizzy drinks, and suddenly lose weight easily. No, I can't do that? I must have tried every regime known to man, and a few I made up. Every now, and again it works, I lose a bit, but it's so stringent, I can't keep it up. The other thing is, I already eat healthily. I know nutrition, I know calories, I know the rules. It's true, of recent years I have not been able to move as much as I would like. Still, I have put on no more because of it.

         The upshot of all this long winded explanation is, that I have lost some weight, my clothes don't strangle me quite so bad as they did. The seams are all eased, and not under so much strain, so to speak. It's true, it does make certain things easier. I've begun swimming a little too, another plus. Walked a few stairs, climbed a few slopes, nothing amazing. Yet, as a result, I have felt so much better, overall, already. I have begun to get blasé, I suppose.

         Today, though, I was back to base, back to square one. Up the creek without a paddle. It was a bad start to the day, as I am not good mornings. I had to get up earlier than unusual, for a hospital appointment. Now I need time to 'come to' in the morning, for my body to become accustomed to being vertical. Time, I didn't get today. Forced to leave the house early, I was on the run all day. The phone didn't stop, and neither did I...much. Nothing went right, nothing was easy, and even simple jobs had to be redone, or revisited. Really annoying, to say the least. It's true to say, that nothing panned out as I expected, or hoped. Which, in turn means nothing was really accomplished. Nearly every job must be tackled again tomorrow.

         As the day wore on, my balance became worse, a sure sign I'm becoming exhausted (re; exhaustion syndrome), then, I developed a migraine out of the blue. Wth the bad disturbances in vision, I had to stop. Luckily I noticed it in time, and only had to wait for the meds to kick in, to restore most of my vision. Although,of course, driving was out for a while, causing more complications,, as I was already out. There semed twice as many cars on the road too... Christmas rush? Nearly all of whom, were manic. I saw so many near accidents, and was glad to get home again, without major mishap.

        So, I struggled through the day, lurching at times, unsteady on my feet, feeling really neauseous at others, and with disturbed vision for some time. One top of this, I felt more, and more weary, and was left with a dull headache, as residue of the migraine. With fielding phone calls, from every business connection I have, and trying to deal with paperwork, and various appointments, it was such hard going. By the time I got home, all I could do was collapse on the couch, not moving until hunger drove me to get a snack. Still exhausted, and light headed, I dozed, on, and off, until it was time for bed. Which is now.

        Only now, can I consider my missing blog. Throwing it off quickly, but at least it's done. So, please forgive any mistakes, and for going on about health. You can see why that is, the whole day, would have been bearable, and simpler, had I been healthy. Nothing works if you feel under the weather. Does it.

          I have had to leave all other tasks, the ones I usually look forward to. The networking, emails, messaging of all kinds, even this blog, has set me back again, I must close now, I hope it says at least...keep well, and keep healthy.

          For, without good health, nothing else works as it should...

          Taken care of yourself.

Family are great...aren't they

      Having had two very nice, and welcome endorsements for my blogs from family today, I thought 'yep..good subject for today' because, as I am sure you know, it's hard to be a star in your own backyard. Of whatever magnitude, large, or small. People, family in particular, tend to see you in a particular way. You do this, you are that, you could not possibly be anything other than that. They know little, or nothing of your working life, or your qualifications. How could they? You have seen them grow, from baby to adult. They have not seen you grow, nor had the chance to understood you in the same way. 

      Which, is why to have one loyal reader, and one other endorsement from my family, in one day, is so special. They are showing they are willing to begin to see me as more than just the comfortable, or even outspoken, family member they know on an everyday basis. To get to know me better as a person in my own right. It's one of the things that happens as you age. You become these roles, rather than yourself. A sibling, a spouse, a parent, even a grandparent, and it can become only a stereotype. Not something anyone wants to be, do they? At least, I certainly don't. I want to be me, it took me long enough to discover who that was!

        Never the less, I am immensely grateful for the compliments, from both of my faithful relatives. Keep reading you two, and gradually, who knows, you may get to know the real me, instead of the family side, or figure, you already know. Perhaps these sides are the same. I don't think they are, but what do I know. I am only like everyone else, I just do the best I can, one step at a time. Often, we don't know how well we've done, or how bad, until much later. When we can see it in retrospect. We can all be smart like that, at that time.

        This need to write, has been there a long time. Before I could write,  I made up stories for my smaller brother. It was a task, as older sister, my Mother thought was my job. "Tell him a story until he goes to sleep" she would say, every night, once we were in bed. I liked it in the beginning, even though I was only seventeen months older than he. After a while, I began to resent it, every night. Horrid child that I must have been, so, I told him scary stories. He said years later, "you used to scare the bejesus out of me." Poor little soul, it wasn't his fault was it.  But, was it mine...I leave it to you to decide.

         Being dyslexic, it took me a long time to get around to writing anything. This need for self expression, goes back even longer, I would say. As I paint, and being an art teacher for many years, now, without the space to paint. Especially using the grand sizes of canvas, or freedom of movement I prefer. No room for  the freedoms  I used to express my responses to what I saw. I now write more, expressing my responders in words, rather than pictures. It seems a good idea, a good alternative, for now. Now, actually it's more than that. A writer is only a figure, full with words, and ideas. Fueled by the need to express what they feel, or think. Be they opinions, fantasy, or witterings. I am quite good at witterings. It's also why I am so happy when someone says 'well done,' or ' it was good',or even, 'I read it.' It validates me perhaps.

          I have already wriitten the best part of four books. Already begun editing, all to a standard where I will be happy to publish. While away from home recently, I thought, have a break, go back  to a blog I had set up a couple of years ago. Hoping it might refresh my being so jaded, by all that endless editing.

          Yes, it did work, I enjoy it immensely. With the result, I have still to return to editing. In the meantime, I go public with my blogs daily, and now, want to increase my audience, my followers.

So, you guys reading this, please share, and follow. Because, if you don't, I am writing for myself, and whatever family members are kind enough to read me.

         Regardless, I shall continue writing...

         As I hope you will continue reading..

                       I THANK YOU

Best of the worst...

        Trying to find a better place to live! What a soul destroying job, and one I came out of today, feeling 'pants' about. So down, I felt, I wonder I did not trip over my own feet. Chin on the floor stuff...why? Well, trying to reconcile the estate agents blurbs, of 'light and spacious living space,' with the small, dark, basement room, with the flooring worn into holes. Yes, that may have been one reason. Or, perhaps it was the fact that it was a hundred pounds more than I am paying already. Then, I had to hang on with two hands to balance down the narrow, dirty, winding basement steps. Before stepping over the black bag of rubbish, to reach the narrow doorway. One so narrow, no furniture would have gone through without being completely dismantled. As for the basement kitchen, and the neglected bathroom, at the rear, well. You can forget that, I would rather die first. Not that the agent was at all nonplussed, for showing such depressing rubbish.

        I think that's what got me. Her buoyant attitude, as in her description. As if it did not matter, or I would not notice it was nothing like the description, both on the net, and repeated by her. Did she really expect me to take it? To say, 'thank you, wonderful, where do I sign.' I looked quite smart, and affluent I thought, not the kind of person to live I a hovel. Would she live there? I very much doubt it. You would have to be desperate to take it, and if you were how could you afford rent at that level. Perhaps,  I have completely lost touch with rental prices. Or, landlords who, have absolutely no respect for their work, their reputation, or their tenants.

          You know, you peruse the net, which everyone says is the place to start. Except its not, is it. By the time you find them there, they have already gone. One property I went past, on a 'drive by', actually had the people moving in, with van outside, the lot. No, I must go see a friend, and do it the 'old pals' method. I only hope that works. Only hope that because he knows me, he will be able to let me know before something is on the market. Give me the heads up!

           There is absolutely no point in moving, paying more money, which I know we must, and be worse off. It must be a nice area, a clean, well kept place, with larger rooms, two double bedrooms, and some kind of outside space. Of course, the actual moving costs are not cheap. There are finders fees, deposits, paying ahead, as well as the removal van. That will be about twelve hundred, for a month ahead, at least six hundred deposit, two, or three hundred finders fees, removal van three, to four hundred...that's about twenty five hundred. Oh...that's without all the hard packing, unpacking, changing car licence address, tv, power, bank, doctors. Oh yes, it is a mammoth task, one I can only hope I stay well enough, to do. As all the organisation, will be down to me. That's if they don't ask us for six months rent ahead,  as they did last time. Being officially semi retired, we are not big money tenants. Sad, but true.

            Ah, perhaps it's all a pipe dream, but I don't give up easily. What's the alternative? Stay here, which is very overcrowded, with no outside space. Where the heating is all electric, and costs the earth to run. So much so, we live in temperatures too cold for comfort. Have guests stay in a room hardly bigger than a wardrobe. Where there is barely enough room to stand beside the small bed, and nowhere to put the luggage. A place where I have no room to store kitchen utensils, or cleaning stuff. Where in the winter, because of the badly fitting double glazed windows, all you can see through them, is condensation. A building that is colder inside, than out. On the plus side, it is a nice, quiet building, secure, and safe. The location is good, near the sea, and the town, and the main road out to the motorway.

          I shall put up the thought for a solution, because at present, the more conventional ways don't seem to be working. Also, I am not sure how many more soul destroying days like today, I can stand. 

           I don't like being rude, or unkind, and I don't like to be deliberately lied to. Which leaves me with a dilemma..... How to cope with the lying real estate agents out there, without telling them of my angst, of my feelings.

           Mmmm, this brings me back to the earlier blog, about agents, written previously. It seems, nothing has changed then.

           What a shame...it shows the worst of human nature. Something, no one wants to see. So, my friends, put up the thought that things work out well for me. As well  as for everyone else in this predicament, we all deserve a decent place to live, without being put through the wringer by unscrupulous money grabbers. Be they the lying estate agents, or the uncaring landlords.

           Wishing you all the best, out there.

Passwords from infinity to madness

        Today. Everything comes with passwords. Log in names, passwords, they are the bane of my life! Half the time I forget them, there are just too many, and the other half, they refuse to be recognised. I have now had so many passwords everywhere, due to having to re set them so often, that I feel in a complete muddle. The whole thing is complicated by the fact that they instruct, not to re use one you have used before. How many significant words can I possibly come up with? The truth is, very few, I find. Having now exhausted all of my ideas.

         If this goes on in the same way as the last few weeks, I shall soon be shut out of all the major avenues, and interests I prefer on line. What shall I do then. I know exactly, what will happen, unfortunately. I shall be so frustrated by that time, that I shall have gone up my own exhaust pipe! Believe me, that is not something I want to experience, or that the world should be subjected to.

          What is the answer, I already do all I can to avoid losses happening again, but it doesn't work. I write them all down, I put dates besides them, website names, log in identity, but after a first successful time, most sites throw me straight off again. 'The sign in name, and password do not match.' They flash at me.  Or, some other catchy little messages, which all mean the same thing. You have screwed it up again, you fool. Get off, stand in the corner, and keep off the web. You obviously cannot cope with it. Helllppppp. What am I to do? 

            I can, I can, I say. I do know how to do it, I won't forget again. Honest I won't. Except, of course, I do. I am at the stage now, where there are few shortcuts left for me to post my blogs. None will accept, what I am convinced, is my most recent password. There is nowhere to go after that. I am at an impasse...a sad little case without an identity. Or, at least without one that the web will accept. What shall I do when I am finally locked out altogether. Will it be like the bank, Internet log in numbers? When you enter it incorrectly three times, they lock you out. Banned, until you get a special dispensation to try again. 

            In the meantime, every  time I try to do the simplest thing, it goes wrong. Instead of letting me through to get on with my harmless 'witterings', to whichever site is my target, they still ban me. I only want to chat with the family on Facebook. Or make a few new friends on Twitter, exchanging a bit of banter. Or, heaven forbid, post a blog...out come the cavalry, to block my way. Soon, the word will get out, and my hotmail account will join in too, as has every other site I dabble with.

           This whole situation is beginning to get serious. As well as getting seriously on my nerves. Perhaps it all comes from my recent foray into the states. When they took a scan of my iris, and my fingerprints. That, was just passing through custom control! Always being a law abiding citizen, it was a bit strange, (why, I have even been a 'juror' on several cases at the Old Bailey courthouse in London) that's how law abiding I am! What if now, they have me pegged as a militant of some kind. I do get quite outspoken 'on line' sometimes. What if they think, I am only disguised as a little, harmless, bit gormless, oldish lady, and am in fact, a terrorist, or something?

           No guys, this could get very sticky, quite soon. Send your thoughts my way tonight, when I try to publish this. Help me get through to the World Wide Web, I have been good, honest.

           If they leave me banging on the airy portals again, refusing to let me through to the ranks of those hallowed souls allowed there. Alone, banned the company of all the millions, who exist out there in the ether. Will you all  speak up for me, get up a Facebook page for my acceptance, or a Twitter campaign for reinstatement, or something?

           You won't abandon me too, will you?

           Just please remember, in my defence, I did know all the numbers, and the passwords, and the names, or identities, or whatever. I am sure it's all a mistake, someone is just messing with my head....

            Let me innnnnnnnnnn........... nowwwwwww, pleasssssssseeeeee

            Don't leave me out here in there cold!