Fitting in, isn't that what you do? Try to fit in as seamlessly as possible, make no waves, not be demanding, or interfering. Well, I had great hopes, but actually it's a lot harder ball game than you think. Firstly, life is busy, in her case it seems to be more 'manic' than any other adjective. Or perhaps from the inside, you begin to remember what bringing up children, running that kind of household, is all about. Of course the biggest aspect of it is, it's not how you did it, or would do it in her shoes. Except you're not in her shoes, she is. You must remember that, if you are to survive. or should that be, if your closeness is to survive happily. You must not intrude, but not be remote. After all, this is supposed to be a pleasure for you all....isn't it?
It's such a fine line though isn't it. How much 'help' should I give? How much advice...if any? How much space should I give her? How much companionship? After all, they have their routine, or in this case, as I see it, lack of it. No, no, that's not fair. Of course they have a routine, as I explained already, it's not my idea of routine. It's more like anarchy, when I always believed there can only be one commander. Times have changed they all tell me. Children aren't how they used to be. Well, I was a teacher for many years...can they have changed that much? Perhaps I'm old fashioned, just behind the times? Perhaps I was as much out of tune in my day too, to my own Mother. My mother, who looking back, I found quite difficult to share a house with. As she did with me, we were too different. Surely, we two, my daughter and I, have a better relationship than that, don't we? Or, did my own Mother think the same back then, we both perhaps just overstepped the mark in a similar situation, or we were too different in our approach. See what I mean. It's a minefield. But perhaps I worry too much, it's a difficult time we are in.
It's all the more poignant, as my own mother is coming to end of her life right now. Located on the other side of the world, all I can do this time, is keep in contact from a distance. I went over to be with her six months ago when we all thought it was the end. Now, it's impossible to go again, for a variety of reasons. One of which, is that my life is going through great changes of its own, (It sounds as if it has an energy of its own doesn't I, which is exactly how I often feel.) Her demise being a part of it all I suppose.....I have had her for such a long time. This means I am coping with both emotional and physical changes, many of them out of my control. Not knowing how, or where I will be at the end of it, seriously, I said I was 'in flux', as I surely am. In the meantime, my Mother goes through her own great changes surrounded by my brother and his family, but not me and mine.....which is hard.
Modern technology keeps us all reasonably close, regularly in touch of the latest news by the flick of the airwaves. Which is both frustrating and comforting at the same time. Well, this is how it is, and I will have to cope with it. Stepping carefully through the minefield, which is life both home and away. My instinct is to get stuck in, organise everything. Something that I really can't do, either here, or there. Or maybe in only small ways, if requested. Of course, the distance stops me doing much of that for Mother. Although, as always I have plenty of suggestions, supporting those there at the coal face. Helping them a little, I hope. Whilst here at my daughters, I hope it's the right kind of consideration holding me back. The right kind of generosity I offer throughout this extended visit.
Ah well dear friends, (see how I assume you like me,) time will tell what will be the end of this story. Yes indeed, time will tell. Wish me luck, indeed, wish us all luck, because we are all under pressure these next few weeks. After which time, I go on to my sons home with enough resilience intact to begin again tranquilly, I hope. Whether I still have a Mother at that point, is in the lap of the gods. Whether I still have a daughter close and loving, is rather more down to my own sensitivity and inner fortitude. Here's hoping that LOVE will conquer all, because I certainly have plenty of that. May the passing of my mother be surrounded with love, as she is met by her loved ones on the other side.....
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