If I look back over the years, I've actually tried every remedy ever suggested. As well as quite a few solutions of my own. On average I slept four hours a night, those being often from three until seven. Often, I slept even less, but as long as had a couple of hours it seems I was able to get through the next day fine. I might have a quick half hour nap when first returning to the house in the evening, but nothing more. When I was younger and life was hectic with work, family and a sort of social life I really thought it was a gift. I didn't seem to need the sleep, so I didn't worry. In the midst of a house always busy and noisy, my quiet nights really were a gift. They were for me.
As I spent years studying to improve myself and my employability, it was a good solution. A few hours all to myself in the middle of the night...what could be better. I studied, I wrote essays, I even painted as part of another course. Once qualified, I made lesson plans, teaching aids and whatever was necessary for the next day or week. All this before the days of the laptop or iPad. I can honestly say I enjoyed my nights. They were my gift to me, I made the most of them.
I'm not sure when that attitude changed, or what caused it to change. It was probably getting a partner, trying to go mainstream, attempting to conform to the idea of a normal night. (Or is that pretending to be normal) I do know that thrashing about next to someone, or even reading, does not go down well. Perhaps I made the mistake of trying to be normal...when I clearly was not. Even sliding out of bed to be discovered later by an owl eyed tired man, wasn't a good idea either. He always seemed to think if he took me back and saw me comfortable, then my inability to sleep would disappear. It hardly ever did of course. Why did he always wake up, I wondered. Why wasn't he a heavy sleeper so I could do what needed, chill, relax, have time for me.....perhaps it was selfish, he seemed too think it a problem.
I didn't mind if he snored, took all the bed, but no. After a few years, (did I ruin his sleep patterns?) after finding me awake, sitting in the silence, he began to commandeer the living area, watching TV. (Straightaway, silence gone) I got drawn into it sometimes, the programmes in the middle of the night were often far more interesting than the evening ones, educational even. Although it really wasn't my style, it actually stimulated me even more. I got this picture of myself, with big, round eyes, mind spinning crazily for things to do, whilst pretending to gaze at the box. Sewed to the seat somehow, by the seat of my pants, or is that P.J's. Often, during the night back then, I was reading...because my home was no longer set up for my night excursions and life changes. By then, the children had flown the nest, some to begin their own patterns of insomnia. You know the Apple does not fall far from the tree, as they often complain to me.
But my joy in the nights awake had gone...lost somewhere along the years. My partner took to knocking back neat rum as he watched his middle of the night TV. Denying it had any effect on him the next morning, but I couldn't join in that either. True, he was always up and out the door early, me not so much. It was just that my nights were becoming a trail, rather than a joy. I was needing my sleep more than I had, perhaps worn down by attempting normality, or just getting older. Whilst clearly, my efforts to sleep regular hours as other people do, wasn't working. Sporadic ill health had ruined my inexhaustible vitality, exams were long gone and although the new technology was everywhere, it didn't fill the gaps somehow.
Insomnia still rules my life. Even through I've tried remedies for sleeping of every description, oils, natural herbs, teas...never sleeping tablets or tranquillisers...I have enough problems without those. Sometimes I sleep all night and IT is a gift.. I wake in surprise that it's morning, I did not experience the night at all. Often I sleep a little, or not for days, I never know, but I'm still trying. I'm on my own again now, the partner gone off to drink his rum and watch his tv when he likes, where he likes. I'm not sad about that. However, with no family in the house, I no longer need the quiet of the night for me. I have the days of quiet too. I'm not complaining, I know life keeps changing....but I wonder. Why did I try to conform to what was expected, why didn't I just do my own thing. Surely we could have worked through it, together, better than we did. Or, maybe it was just an impossible situation that could not be resolved. Two vastly different people, trying to meld lifestyles. How often do we ask..."how do you sleep?".
Either way, here I am, the insomniac from way back, the nights are mine.....if only I knew exactly what to do with them. Who knows which cycle might come next, I don't. I've already lived in many different time zones, nothing changes the fact that when night comes......what follows is a mystery.....but I'm determined not to be upset if my plans to sleep don't work. Being involved in a mystery every night, and able to do exactly what you want....can't be bad can it.
Good night everyone , especially you insomniacs, I know there are many of you out there.
Make the most of your sleep patterns whichever way it goes.
N.B. I have just had three nights of wonderful sleep. What did I do..I wonder?
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