Dependency

        Dependency....... It's a bit of a dirty word..with me anyway. Over the last few years, I watched my mother slide into the jaws of dependency. Well, she was ninety when she died, so there was bound to be times where her general health, or an emergency caused us all to look more closely at her situation. My Father had died over twenty years before, but with a secure home, through my brother and I getting together, we knew she was safe, the decisions were hers. No one could tell her she had to move anywhere. Regardless the last few weeks of her life were difficult for my brother, who took the brunt of that period, me being away for the last couple of months, unwell myself. Even with ther staying at home until the last couple of days is arduous.

           With my maternal Grandmother, over forty years before it was very different. She lost her husband thrifty years before, but was without the security of her own home, which through law, had to pass to her eldest son, it was very different. I am not sure if she was even allowed to make decisions, or if it was all the task of her sons. It was, after a very sexist society in those days of the 1950's/1960's. Women were only then beginning to see how every major decision was taken for her. A woman had few rights in law, she just was not recognised as a responsible person. The women of that era and beyond, fought for every advantage women now enjoy. OK. Maybe it has gone too far, in that it means women often have to work full time, and still take care of the house. They got hit with a double whammy there, but overall, it's more freedom than was possible before. It seems nothing is without costs of some sort. The advent of birth control being the greatest freedom to choose.

        Yes, freedom, that old psychology chestnut. 'What is freedom?' question.  Basically, a freedom taken by one person, or group of people, infringes on the freedom already enjoyed by some other person, or group. So, there is no such thing as total freedom. If you want to play your music loud and your neighbour wants to live in peace, then you are forced to turn it down, or off! Tolerance and negotiation is constantly necessary. Of course it's much more complicated than that. There are dozens of things through the course of your day and especially the course of your life, you must adjust to.

            So, of course, in the past, my grandmothers son did with her house what suited him. Be it financial or practically. For of course if she had the freedom to continue living there unmolested in peace through the next thirty five years, then he must pay the taxes, or get the costs from her. As well as maintain the grounds and the building and ensure her safety. Her freedoms became his responsibilities. Naturally, he couldn't maintain it for that period of time, I expect he was getting old too, she lived until nearly a hundred years old. With the result, he sold to an inlaw, making the proviso she could live out her life there. Of course the in law wanted to make money, especially after his wife died, leaving him an inlaw without a living link to our family. He pulled out the apple trees, including all other fruiting trees and planted pine trees. Forcing her into being dependant on shops. Her little house became an island surrounded by a small forrest, but out of her and our control. Eventually, when he remarried, he sold too. Then, my grandmothers' real problems began. The new buyer, waged a stealth campaign to get her out. Resulting indirectly in her injuring herself, at past ninety. Again, a mans word, against a silly old woman, which in the 1970s was often the way things worked.

            The reason all of this is cropping up in my mind, is because now I am the matriarch of my own family. Which is great whilst you are fit, got all your marbles and can manage for yourself. But, almost a month ago, I tripped, a silly thing anyone could do, but twisted my foot badly. I still can't put it on the floor, it still has new bruises showing almost daily and I can no longer cope with the many sets of steps leading to my house, or the many steps once inside the place. Hence, off to my sons house I went. Thinking it would be for a couple days, a week at most, but I'm still there. Having no car at present, not that I could use an accelerator with my foot. I rely on him for everything. Ok I am quite independent, but can't get to the shops, around the shops,  not even in and out of cafes, my favourite place to do my writing and my other internet stuff. My social network is outside home.

             My freedom to do what I prefer, to get out of his house before I go completely stir crazy, or to walk without pain and. Fear because the roads, pavements and everything is so uneven...how I fell in the first place, make stepping out in any direction hazardous. I get over tired and bad tempered, I berate myself but it's difficult to remain sunny. I am sorely infringing on the formally good relationship between my son and myself. He is married with children and I must be a low priority. He tries to do everything, but I think I'm the straw that broke he camels back.... he has other responsibilities. Poor boy...

           It just makes you think, that's all. From now, I am working on the picture of me keeping hale and hearty until the last hour of my life. I don't want to be a dependant, I won't be a dependant. Perhaps if this whole thing hadn't coincided with my finances being effectively frozen by the ineptitude of the bank, I could finance other help for myself. As it is, I'm caught between a rock and hard place. I'm determinedly looking at the positve, I could have broken bones, I could have been in plaster for much longer, it could have cost me a lot of money in medical bills. My son or his wife may have been unwilling or unable to take me in. At least now, I know what else to include in my ideal future and I know to appreciate how busy my sons life is. Also, how well he tries to make a miserable, injured woman, a bit happier.

            So thank you Universe for all my good fortune.......I appreciate my good luck.....because soon, I will be fully recovered and a lot wiser. Wiser to know it makes you selfish living alone, you do exactly what you want all the time. Go where you fancy, do what you fancy, sleep when you choose, eat when you choose......eat what  you please.....yes, now I'll appreciate my good luck and my lack of dependency.

Inactivity is overrated.

         Relaxing is great isn't it.....yes it is when it's in the midst of a busy life. Or, if it's time you have taken out of the normal routine to treat yourself, a little luxurious, decadent, stolen break. But if you have  to take it, are forced by circumstances to take it, then it loses its whole appeal. It does for me anyway. But how can I be so sure, ahhh, well that's because I have just had a whole week mostly off my feet, unable to walk, unable to put weight on my foot and bored, bored, bored. Innactivity sucks!

         I must admit, I'm not a home body, I'm a gad about. Give me a choice between being in around the house, or out and about, I will be out every time. Of course, if I have a project, an aim, then I can amuse myself closer to home. I can get really involved in a piece of writing, a painting, a social occasion or even a DIY home improvement project. But not just to think only of the shopping, the housework, washing whatever. Or even relaxing around the house when all the jobs are done. Those are chores to me, definitely chores. Yes, if I'm reading, which I am doing constantly, I will curl up in some quiet corner and read for hours on end. Even, let's be honest here, sit in the midst of noise and bustle and get completely lost in a story. I can even watch TV. Especially during a period back last year when I was in a cold climate and very unwell, I knew everything that came on and when. Given the choice though, I will be out of the house, probably at some cafe, park, or beach just watching life pass by. I don't feel lonely in such situations, I feel involved in the midst of everything. I guess that's why I'm a writer and an artist, I notice everything, I look at what's happening around me. I'm an incorrigible  people watcher.

         So, what's bought all this on? Well, about a week ago, I tripped over, twisting my foot under me, resulting in a bad sprain. After spending a big chunk of the day in hospital being ex rayed to see if anything was broken. As well as waiting to see doctors, I was confined to home. Dreadful to say, not even my own home, as it has too many steps for me to negotiate. No, I'm at my sons' house, in the guest room, where I can be 'looked after'. Son, wife, two children and a cat are all nothing like my little place next to the jungle. But isn't that just why I can't go there for the week. It is a bit too unusual, down lots of outside steps and too isolated. If I had been there alone, unable to barely stand, I would be worse than stir crazy by now, I might be completely crazy. As well as certainly living in chaos by this time...mmm, as you see I had little choice. I don't sound grateful do I....stubborn person that I am. Of course I am grateful, maybe just not accepting of the situation. I expect when passing along the runners to the hot place in my coffin, I'll be struggling to make a move. Or, maybe by then I will already be somewhere far more exciting,.....I do Iike change.

          Sometimes you just have to admit that you are not your usual self. That you cannot care for yourself, or for your home properly. I certainly couldn't have kept the place clean, done the shopping, cooked meals. No, really I wouldn't have been able to do any of that. So, I grit my teeth, smile and give in as gracefully as I could. Yes, I know, I'm an old curmudgeon. Yes really, I do know myself and my faults very well. I suppose having travelled extensively helps me be able to fit into different routines fairly well. But after a week, and being so frustrated at my slow progress and in fairly constant pain, I am on the verge of escaping. No matter what the difficulties or consequences. Stir crazy!

             Of course it was impossible for me to sit quiet and be well behaved all week. I escape at every opportunity. I persuaded my son to take me for a coffee, very difficult, silly of me and stressful for him as it was too soon. The only mans of transport his motor bike, yes that was fun but not very adult of me. Worse, one night I tempted him to go the local open air bar, where I could see people pass and we drank a local alcohol, kyperinha, full of fresh limes. Of course, I was in considerably more pain afterwards, for not resting my foot, or keeping it elevated. Plus the hour of alcohol didn't help my pain medication at all....I slept little that night. I even went for a drive with my daughter in law when she went to the supermarket. I sat and sweltered in the car, as she shopped, crazy hey, the lengths I will go to in escaping. Yes, that's me, loony tunes. I think I make them laugh, but it can't be easy having me for a guest.

           As I write this, I am sitting looking longingly at the gates, wishing I was elsewhere on the other side of them. Even though I'm not sitting in a bad place. But it's now a week, I was convinced I would be running around again after three days. But here I still am, barely any better at getting about, champing at the bit to be gone. The bruises are coming out, under my instep, up the side of my foot to my ankle and around all my toes. But it's got me thinking.....you know, about how much we take for granted. About how grateful we should be every day for what we have. What I have is only temporary, even if it's slower healing than I would like. I am very grateful it's not permanent. My heart goes out to those with disabilities, or permanent illness.

        Of course, as we age we notice and realise how our body, our energy levels are changing. You must take more care of your diet, of your fitness levels, if you want to maintain what you have, or improve at all. I don't know anyone who is looking forward to being old. Nearly everyone is trying to eat right, keep active, keep mentally active. As for me, I like trying new things, even if it's only meeting new people or trying new dishes. Convinced an active mind, keeps you young, although perhaps I am just nosy. I do believe you must not sit down and fester! Well of course, being in a new country, I must meet new people and try new food. Yes, i know I have natural advantages there.

          In the meantime, I intent to give more thanks every day for being able to walk, being able to stand, for not being in pain or confined to the house. For many people, these restriction are an everyday trial, often an unchanging one. We should also give thanks for our sight, our hearing, our strength.....even our teeth and digestion. In addition, we should be grateful for our friends, our family, our food and our shelter. In my case, for space of my own and people who care about how I'm coping. Give thanks for the mundane, which aren't mundane at all. For the sunshine, the rain, for the flowers, our pets, the birds that sing in the morning. We should notice all of these things and much more. 

        Remembering too, that the more we give thanks to the Universe, the more good things are drawn towards us. It's all to do with energy, giving out the right vibrations, draws more of the same towards you. I don't why, or how I drew this injury to me...sometimes shit just happens. All I can do, is deal with it and not let it ruin my world, my enthusiasm. So, appreciate your health, even if you can only find one small thing good, give thanks for every small aspect of your life...every day. Do let me know when you begin to see an increase in nice things coming into your world.......as they surely will. In the meantime, I am giving thanks for having such an active brian and someone to collude with when I want to break out......my son.