Energy...positively...the eb and flow

            I guess my energy levels have done a nose dive....is it what's happening around me, so much on the verge of happening, of changing. But not actually happening. I feel as if I have been on a carrousel going around in circles, getting nowhere fast. There are times I don't know which side is up, in which direction to look, or hope for answers. Although I know things have changed, will change more. Is it I am impatient for what I think will be better situations for me. Is it just the non stop rain and the incessant headache hovering around my temples. Is it being damp, the clothes in the bedroom, the bed itself slowly sinking into mould through the incessant damp. Sometimes with all all this rain and things never getting properly dry, I feel as I too am going mouldy. Is it the extremely sad little tale of a teenage suicide pact I only just finished. Or, is it the fact my own book seems to be on the precipice of taking off, or dying a stagnant death. Really when trying to self analyse, the possibilities are endless. Might they also be useless? Everything feels useless tonight!

             Is it that I have relied too much on other people rather than making my own decisions just recently. I feel that I am being dicked about and am angry at myself for giving such power of my happiness or sadness to someone else. Ms positive...not so positive right now. This afternoon, everything was a box of birds, now I'm wallowing in...what? Confusions and frustrations. I have lost direction and am stir crazy at being confined too long in the house, alone. That's certainly quite enough for a start. Too much concern for others only ends in tears for yourself as you sit alone, waiting for something that's not going to happen. Mainly becasue no one was considering you and what your needs were. Ha ha, too busy out there doing what they want! Why wasn't I?

         We all have these ups and downs. Why just yesterday I was counting my blessings and itemising the stack of wonderful things in my life. Which are legion,..no exaggeration. It's all about attitude isn't it. Nothing dramatic has changed, no disaster struck. Which is why you have to keep building up your positive attitude, your independence. Your inner strength in effect, your core of cofidence. I have no explanation, no coherent reason for losing my balance, my confidence and with it my equilibrium......my well being. For inexplicably waiting for something from people around me who are perhaps incapable of it. Perhaps I am more Ms gullible, rather than Ms positive. No doubt I expect more than most people can give...that would be it, wouldn't it? Expectations....some clever person said to me once, 'expect nothing, then you won't be dissapointed.'

          I was going to say I wish I could live like that, with that attitude. But I don't wish that, I would hate it. I need hope, I need dreams....I think we all need dreams. What a dull life it would be without hope, without magic  Why else were we given imagination? Without which asset we would have achieved nothing, no changes from being cavemen....and before. I like having expectations, excitement, some fantasy, I like to look towards the night sky and wondering. I prefer to look forward to the day, to have possibilities! Expecting some excitement and pleasant opportunities to be mine for the taking. 

           Ok, it means every now and again, you may run out of hope and enthusiasm, just temporarily. Just as I have done this evening. I have enjoyed some wonderful high points in my day but it's not those that weighted down the scales. By evening I felt its been a frustrating day, with many little disappointments. Too much rain, too much time alone. Some time alone is vital for me, too much, with no sun and constant wet and damp is not so good. The solution is a couple of hours pumping music and at least that much time writing it out of my system. Hence this particular blog. It's bound to strike a chord with someone out there.

          So much has been going well and promising better for me, that it seems important to point out a dangerous pitfall. For those of us living with positive expections.Those of us who are working at creating our own reality, instead of accepting anything that happens to reach you as you float by on the tide of life. We work daily on creating those situations we want in our lives. We are positive in every aspect. The circumstance, the health, the wealth, the people, the changes. There are no limits to what you are able to create, to achieve if you believe in the power of your thoughts and your words. You work consistently and tirelessly on your expectations. Then like tonight, you hit a down curve, when you cannot seem to believe. When nothing makes sense any more.  When all of your old, long held fears, rise to the surface to boobytrap you! It is the final mile, the eleventh hour! But this is the very time you can lose it all. Return to the old ways of fate and bad luck.

          That's is why it was imperative I pulled myself out of the morass of my droopy, black, defeatist attitude. Important I  got myself back into a position where I could feel that positivity welling up. To where I can begin going over every dream, plan and expectation for me and my life. Build back up that which eroded tonight. It's a little like a diet, it takes you ages to take off vital pounds, then a session of weakness and you have piled back all the pounds you strove so hard to shift. That's not going to happen to my dreams, my positive aims. No way! I'm reinforcing all the good stuff, starting right now. All the plans I worked so diligently at creating are not being lost at the eleventh hour. Tomorrow could bring the fruition of all my aims, it could be the day everything I want is mine!

             Ok my friends, watch this space, because I'm almost there.....I'm not losing focus now.

Plan your aims clearly, picture them, write a list, build a picture book, aim high....there are no limits, except those put in place  by your own lack of imagination and self belief. Dream big, aim high, be positve and never give up! Never......